Riding the Waves

Tuning into what your body is saying

This article was beautifully written by Annelies Geursen, whose insight and voice reflect the heart of our community. Follow more of Annelies’ work here.

And when I realised I didn’t have to hide my feelings from you, I found relief

– note to self

Ever felt like you couldn’t trust your own body?

Afraid you might lose control of your emotions when you least want to.
Unsure why you snapped at someone who didn’t deserve it.

Sitting in a movie theatre, tears streaming down your face, unable to move, not wanting anyone to notice because you didn’t know there’d be triggering content, and you're not willing to explain why you're upset.

Being ‘emotional’ is often used as code for ‘crazy’.

For years, I was afraid to let anyone get too close because I feared doing or saying something to push them away.
I wanted everyone to think I was ok, not ‘emotional’ —more than that, I wanted to be ok.

I thought the way to do that was to push it all down.
Keep it in, keep it hidden. Be normal, not damaged or broken.

I was strong, resilient.
I didn’t need help. I’d dealt with it.

Except… years later, when I thought it was behind me, like little pockets of steam breaking through a sealed crust of pie and escaping without warning, I’d have outbursts — moments of irritability, teary eyes, flushes of rage.

I saw myself as an unstable ticking timebomb.

Bottling things up will only cause a messy explosion

at one point or another.

Better to let the top out slowly,

control the release,

and let the bubbles settle.

I didn’t associate this with unresolved trauma.
I thought I had dealt with it—squashed it into the darkest corner of my memory, locked the door, and forgot about it.

Out of sight, out of mind.

I believed my body’s responses were hormonal or that there had to be another medical explanation.
I was convinced my body was out of control.

Turning inward, unpacking the things I most wanted to forget, felt dangerous.
Like opening Pandora's box—once opened, there’d be no going back.

In a locked box,

in the darkest corner of my heart,

is where I hid my pain and shame.

Afraid to open it for fear of what might come out.

What once released, won’t go back in again.

But it was exactly what I needed to do to move forward.

Realising that emotions don’t control me, that there are no good or bad emotions — just energy sending a message — and that my reaction is within my control, was the first step.

Ignoring what my body was trying to tell me, pretending I was ok, was making things worse.

I couldn’t control the outside world.
What I could control was how I responded to what was happening inside.

Becoming self-aware was key.

Noticing when a hot, tingly energy surged through me, or when a cold, heavy rock sat in my gut, gave me a moment of pause.
With that awareness came ownership and control.

I could name the sensations, and in naming them, take away their power.

Instead of reacting, I could say: ‘you’re feeling X because of X. Take a breath. It’s ok to feel this way. How do you want to respond?’

Unwanted outbursts often came from ignoring the emotions boiling up inside — pretending nothing was going on.
That only led to messy situations.

I wasn’t at the mercy of my emotions. They didn’t control me.
I had the power to control how to react, but only if I stopped fighting my body and started listening to it.

This wasn’t easy to accept at first.

I’m not a master at it. I still have good and bad days.
But I’m no longer afraid my body will betray me.

It’s ok to not be ok.

I just need to be honest with myself.
Today, I might feel extra sensitive, so I’ll have less patience.

Knowing this, I can be softer with myself and others.
Maybe that means lowering expectations - of others, and myself.

Sometimes, we’re blindsided — by a movie, a podcast, a book, a flippant remark.
Triggers don’t ask permission.

Suddenly your body’s flooded — hot or cold sensations, a tightness somewhere, or an urge to lash out or leave.

When we’re honest, authentic and curious, we can recognise these as responses to a perceived threat.
Then, we can apply strategies: say to yourself, ‘It’s ok. This isn’t the same situation. I’m safe. I don’t have to react.’ Or simply step away.

That small perspective shift makes it easier to calmly talk things through with others, if appropriate.

There’s a difference between controlling your response — welcoming emotions, naming them, letting them pass—and suppressing them, where you block out signals, ignore your needs, and pretend.

One leads to authentic connection with yourself and others.
The other? Your emotions find a way out when you least expect.

Emotions are like waves. They rise and fall.

Sometimes building up to overwhelming heights.

Our journey is not to stop the waves but to learn how to surf them.

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